翻譯鑒賞與點(diǎn)評(píng)：翁帆的“駢體英文”情書
Cold here, icy cold there. You belong to neither, leaves have withered. Your face is pale and blue, a tearful smile. Something in your eyes,whispers words of last good-bye. My heart sinks down, tears surge out.
此處冷，彼處更冷?？萑~凋零，君屬何人。君面慘淡憂郁，含淚而笑。君熱淚盈眶，喃喃自語(yǔ)，難言再見。妾心沉落，淚涌似濤。
小編注：icy cold用法不是很妥當(dāng)，這里可以改成ice cold。You belong to neither, leaves have withered一句，用逗號(hào)連接也不妥，可以改成兩個(gè)獨(dú)立的句子，或者加一個(gè)連接詞如and，不然在語(yǔ)法上是錯(cuò)誤的。最后兩句同理，兩個(gè)主語(yǔ)不一致的句子不能用逗號(hào)連接。
Hot summer. Cheerful Cocktail. You took my hand. We fled into another world. You sat by my side, long hair tied behind, cool and killing. Smile floating on the lemonade, soft and smooth. How I was? amazed. Your face looked like the cover of the magazine. My head spin. You led my hand, danced along the crazy theme.
酷夏。仍憶雞尾酒會(huì)。君執(zhí)妾手，共享二人世界。君坐妾之側(cè)，長(zhǎng)發(fā)束于腦后，英姿勃發(fā)。笑容蕩漾。妾訝君面尤類雜志封面。旋轉(zhuǎn)，君執(zhí)妾手，瘋狂舞曲。
小編注：或許是原文在流傳過(guò)程中有誤，這里的How I was應(yīng)該是How was I；后面amazed應(yīng)該首字母大寫；My head spin時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤，應(yīng)該是my head was spinning或者my head spun。
Light vied with wine, elegance mixed with fragrance, laughing covered by greetings, the crowed was busy at handshaking. You stood there, eyes on me. I trembled at the sparkles, brighter than the light. A masterpiece from God, I felt dizzy. We were not near, yet we were together.
燈酒相輝，芳雅相應(yīng)，祝辭笑聲此起彼伏，蕓蕓皆勞碌于握手。君站立一旁，美目探妾。妾瑩燈下顫顫而立。此必上帝之杰作，使暈眩。雖妾與君相隔甚遠(yuǎn)，然心相近。
小編注：這里有一處單詞拼寫錯(cuò)誤，crowed應(yīng)該是crowd；另外we were not near一句，如果要表達(dá)“相隔甚遠(yuǎn)”的意思，near用的不妥，應(yīng)該用close。
Days ended. You said, you would wait for me at the Alps side. We would ski against snowflakes dancing in the sky. I gave no answer but a good-bye to accompany your flight. Gone was the plane, I suddenly tasted my pain. I knew I had been silly and stupid, you were in my heart, I shouldn’t have hidden in the dark. I tried to forget your disappointment. I made believe sometime someday, I would tell you, I feel all the same.
往日已去。君云君將于阿爾卑斯山畔待妾，滑雪于雪花飛舞之天空下。妾欲說(shuō)還休，但囑祝福。飛機(jī)漸逝，妾心將苦。妾深知妾之愚蠹，君已竊妾心，妾當(dāng)不可漠然于暗中彷徨。妾嘗試忘君之失，然無(wú)可善終。妾信某日某時(shí)，妾將告君妾心永駐。
小編注：最后一句中make believe是“假裝”的意思，這里似乎和文章原意不符，應(yīng)該是believe。仍然存在標(biāo)點(diǎn)問題，I knew I had been silly and stupid, you were in my heart, I shouldn’t have hidden in the dark.這三個(gè)句子都是獨(dú)立的，中間的逗號(hào)應(yīng)全部改為句號(hào)。
My thought struggled at confessing, somehow hesitation ended in flinching. I continued my role of a fool, clinched to my maiden pride, yet secretly indulged in your promise of the white land -- snow measuring down to us, in your arms I am lifted up. The chiming of Christmas bell!
妾于懺悔中掙扎，不時(shí)退縮，猶豫。妾愚于處子之婚，然潛縱于君之諾。白雪皚皚，君挽妾身，妾意甚歡，共聽圣誕鐘聲。
小編注：第一句，thought應(yīng)該不能用來(lái)做struggle的主語(yǔ)，而且一般情況下這里的thought應(yīng)該用復(fù)數(shù)形式；此外，struggle其實(shí)沒有中文里表示猶豫不定的“掙扎”含義，這里應(yīng)該表述成I hesitated at confessing。倒數(shù)第二句中snow measuring down to us，measure down這個(gè)詞組是不存在的，用于此處也很不自然。maiden pride的翻譯“處子之婚”值得商榷，這里英文原意是身為少女的矜持。
The bell died in the patter of rain, from hell came the laughing of Satan at my brain. Tearful smile, swallowed by the darkness. How could I trace your hair to wipe your tears? My hands reached out, catching nothing but a raindrop, on a leaf that had withered.
鐘聲忽止于急雨，乃聽撒旦之笑聲。含淚微笑，黑暗相伴。妾欲尋君之發(fā)擦君之淚而不可。妾伸手欲觸，無(wú)他，但枯葉一雨滴耳。
小編注：How could I trace your hair to wipe your tears?這句的翻譯有些不妥，這里不是說(shuō)用頭發(fā)擦眼淚，而是指手穿過(guò)頭發(fā)，擦去眼淚。Tearful smile, swallowed by the darkness.語(yǔ)法亦有待商討，添加一個(gè)助動(dòng)詞was比較好。
Snowflakes have melted into water, we are no more together.
雪花漸融，妾與君仍天各一方。
小編注：兩句中的逗號(hào)還是要改成句號(hào)。
綜述：網(wǎng)友們的翻譯精致典雅，而且已經(jīng)比原文更加強(qiáng)大，值得大家細(xì)心揣摩。倒是英文原文并非如大家吹捧的那樣高雅精深，其實(shí)稱不上是“駢體英文”，多出地方帶有明顯的中式英語(yǔ)痕跡，還有些地方存在疑問，如果英文不是出自翁帆之手，這更像是從中文版本翻譯回的英文，這點(diǎn)還需要大家自己判斷，不要一味盲從，或者受到中文翻譯的影響，無(wú)形中抬高了英文的水準(zhǔn)。這里的中文翻譯在文采上無(wú)疑是超過(guò)英文許多的，在翻譯實(shí)踐中，這樣偶為游戲可以，但是不要一味學(xué)習(xí)這種花哨的譯法而不考慮原文實(shí)際。譯文如果高出原文的話，也是不符合翻譯要求的。
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